It has been Silhouettes day (decided to call it off for today because it strains my eyes to stitch on black when there's no daylight (I'm getting old, I used to be able to stitch on black in artificial light...)), and as Jaffa was next in my list I worked on it. (Aren't I queen of obvious or something?)

I also realised that MW will have to wait for better days, as I need to start with The Greatest Treasure as it has a deadline, which MW doesn't have.

And...

...it's very much possible that I'll concentrate on stitching instead of sleeping in coming night. I should stay away from news, they have never brought anything good, and I'm known worrywart (I know I shouldn't worry over things I can't affect to)...
Only some frantic stitching can help me relax and therefore... I decided to concentrate on CCLE item and stitch it before getting to bed. I think I'll put finishing stitches to it today.

KLM: Great service, rather inexpensive tickets (for me they were very inexpensive, as you know), good food and gorgeous stewards.

Bangkok: You either hate it or love it. And it seems to me that I fell in love that city, despite of it's noisiness and crowds - or maybe that was the actual reason, I don't know.
I could have lived there.

Food: was great and I was able to consume most fruits and vegetables I can't eat in Finland.
Actually I had less food related worries during that month than I've in here during one month. We process our processed food too much (what's the idea of cornstarch in yoghurt for instance?).
And seriously, I had less allergic symptoms in Bangkok than I have in Finland... I even ate food which was soaked in sesame oil and I had no problems. I don't even dare to try that in here...

We talked about it few times... "You really should make a business out of this, you know? Wolfie's holidays for allergic people: 'Come to Wolfie's and eat what you can't eat at home.' You could make good bucks with that."
I still have dirty dreams of those fruits...

Pictures: In here.
There is one set of pictures I haven't blogged of yet... I popped by in Wat Pho one day. (Pictures in here.)

I dislike taking pictures of 'things' which are sacred to people (don't ask me why. Out of respect, I guess, even I'm this rude being I am), but I made one exception when it came to Reclining Buddha

It really is stunning. And huge.

Wonderfully peaceful place, I recommend. And I also recommend to reserve whole day in case any of you ever visits there. You'll easily lost sense of time when strolling around.

Shoes: Were almost new when I landed, now they're in pieces.

Was it worth it?: Yes, absolutely.

Wonders of laptop: I'm sitting at port 52 in Bangkok International Airport and writing an entry. Rather nice, I'd say. I'd like to ask one thing though, which would be internet connection, but you can't have all, I think. I'll post this when I get to Finland.

About half an hour ago Wolfie and I departed from each others. My luggage got checked in about two hours ago, and it's going directly to Helsinki- Vantaa so I won't have any worries in Amsterdam when I get there (which will be about 5:35 GMT), and probably I'll have some time to wander around and get something to eat before my flight to Helsinki departs.

We said goodbye after having nice dinner (my last tom yam ka in Thailand, fortunately I've recipe for it) - and piles of other things) at the airport.
What matters is that it was nice goodbye: Hugs and smiles, and we're friends (as said, we do remember why we fell in love with each others to begin with) which is more than most failed couples can achieve. (Aren't we so perfect? *grin*)

I have no regrets. (I hope he doesn't have them either.) These last four months have started a change in me, and even I don't know what I'll be. But I know it'll be on better direction. It'll mean I'll become even more the person I want to be. And that's more than I ever asked.

As an epilogue:

It was wonderful as long as it lasted, and I'm happy we got the chance even we failed.

I never thought that someone's love can fix so many cracks from my soul, even the love failed. As that is what really happened to me. At least I feel like it. (Big credits to give for a human, don't you think? But it's true.)

This time it'll be Finland.

It's time for me to begin to start pack my bags, even though I'm not out of Thailand before Saturday evening (23:00 GMT+7).

And just to make sure you wont miss me too much, picture of lovely little creature I've met during my trip:

Blabberings to follow...

This week''s

Stitching Bloggers Question

"Since you started blogging, have you noticed any difference in your stitching habits? Tell us about them."

Official quote

"Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible."

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."
Oscar Wilde

Sometimes I wonder should I change my blog's name a bit (again)... I seem to have tendency to read it as My wife with the polar bears...

And it seems to me that I may get back my habit of using nail polish. I got manicure and pedicure in Sunday (and foot massage - guess who paid (I think I've said something about he being a sweetheart) it all?), and as my nails look good and even better with the nail polish (even my teeny weeny toenails)... I want more of this!
I just need to figure out how not to ruin the looks of my nails in one day. (Yes, it seems to me that I use my fingers quite much as nail polish wears off fast. (note to self: nail polish remover and bottle of polish?))
Any ideas?

(Hmm... nail polish. Polish person with nails (in every meaning of the word)? Catch Polish? *grin*)

Something makes me wonder... Someone added me to their friends list in Last.FM and as I'm curious little thing I did some research. Person in question seems to friend only females in about my age whose location is Thailand. It makes you think, though I'm not saying one has no right to do so. It's just curious. (Or maybe I'm just too practical because I add only people I actually know (and most of them I've even met (some sort of record for me, I think))... Hey, it looks better if everyone in your friends list has befriended you. *grin*)

Sometimes I wonder what happened to me and my brother.

When I was a baby I was pampered by him (according to rumours), when we were kids he was my confidant and one to protect me.
And now, years later, I don't know him anymore. What happened to that intelligent, funny, caring person he was? Or did I just change too much to see that person in him anymore?

Mostly I wonder where that intelligent guy vanished... I don't know was it only my sisterly admiration towards him or what, but I can't help the thought that since he met his wife he's gotten mentally lazier. Maybe it's just over exhaustion, noticing that they have four kids between 5 and 8 (almost 9)... (Four in four years. I love kids, but that pace... you just can't help but wonder.)
But still... what happened to his mind? What happened to that boy who ran away with me on night to be safe and to make sure that I am safe..? (Sometimes I wonder is the past the reason why our relationship got colder.)

Or maybe we just grew apart. It happens even in the best of the families, why not in ours?

Sometimes it feels that he's playing some role, that he has to try to be that funny, and intellectually impaired, guy to keep his family together (or is it way to survive?).
See, I can still remember the boy with whom I had great conversations when I was in my pre-teens, and I don't understand what happened to him.

I miss him. But I can't accept the fact that he seems to be unable to accept certain things in me, and certain things he has said to me.
I can forgive, but I never forget. But still, I miss him. Maybe I just miss a mirage (it can't be about missing innocence of childhood as there's nothing much to miss in it), someone who never existed.

It seems to me that when one door closes, another one opens. When I was younger I was in good terms with my brother, and nowadays I'm in good terms with my sister. (Circumstances which brought me and bits_2_whole closer were/are interesting and in some sense also surprising.)
Anyway, maybe this is how it's supposed to be? When there's three only two have company and third one makes the crowd.

Age is one of my favourite subjects, mostly age difference between partners in a relationship. As it has been under conversation in one forum I frequent I thought I could blog about a bit.

One of my characteristics has always been my obvious blindness for age. I realise differences between age X and age Y, but I fail to see those years which are in between them.
And that's why people seem to usually consider me a bit... well, if not odd at least naïve.
I think one of the reasons I dislike categorizing people by age is that I've heard few times in my life words ...but you're so young.
Or then I just have always been against all sort of discrimination by traits you can't affect yourself - age being one of them.

Age seems to play important role in relationships, some people wouldn't date someone noticeably older than they are and some of us, like me, don't see why age should matter.
Though I admit that lately it has become more important, but only for one reason: family. As I want to have kids, and I want to give them whole package (two parents and all that) I need to focus on age more than I'd like to.
I admit that other reason for it is that I think how young/old I'll be when counterpart is in one's 70s/80s. It's very likely that I'll be a widow in case I remarry, because I don't do young men (Dan was the youngest ever and even he was older than I am. Only six months, but anyway.), but you never know.

I can say that I've tendency to get involved (for example Wolfie is 12 years older than I'm (and we had some conversations over the issue), but he's not even close the biggest age difference I've experienced...) with so called 'older men', I don't know why. Maybe it's being air-headed little blonde or, as I've heard, me being matured over my years.
There's also practical fact, and that is why women are usually younger in heterosexual relationships. And that reason is status.
Older men have achieved things in their life, they already have the status younger males usually lack. They have bigger probability to be in financially good standings, which is important factor when it comes to survival of offspring.
And younger women have more years of fertility ahead of them, which means more children... which means that both counterparts can fulfill their task on Earth (spreading their genes and secure offspring's possibilities to survive to fertile age) more effectively.

Cruel, isn't it?

Anyway, what makes some of us blind to age and why someone are so aware of it?

Quotes

"The heart, like the grape,is prone to delivering its harvest in the same moment it appears to be crushed."
Roger Houseden

" Life is like a puzzle: amid these oddly shaped pieces there are two that fit each other. They don't fit because they're perfect, they just fit because they're perfect for each other. Apart, they are two pieces without definition; together they complement each other and take on meaning."
T. D. Jakes

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."
Virginia Satir, family therapist

Before I forget, thank you all for birthday wishes.

And then to topic of the day... this comment made me think and is reason for this entry.

As I see it it's better to cherish all that we had than stuck on everything we'll never have. It'd be disrespectful towards myself, him and all we had.
And we had it good for three months (or 2½, depending on the point of view). That's more happiness than some people will ever have. Personally those months have given me more than you could imagine - it's not just the opportunity to see country I never even thought I'll visit. He has given me more on mental level than most can ever give.

Love never dies, but it can change. Sometimes it has to change because of circumstances, sometimes it changes on itself. Love, or life, is not static, it's always changing and we just have to find the way to live in best possible way.
And acceptance is only way to survive. No matter how much it may hurt, how unfair it may feel you got to keep on living. It'll get easier trough practise: after one divorce and few general heartbreaks you learn to accept, because you know it's the right thing to do. The right thing to do for yourself as you owe it to yourself.

And the official quote..

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy, you must have somebody to divide it with."
Mark Twain

I intended to go to bed almost early yesterday, but then friend of mine PM'd me in IRC and we begun to plan one forum meeting under Homecoming and falling from the walls theme, in honour of my homecoming, and it was almost two o'clock (am) when I got to bed finally. But it was nice. Actually we planned little something for autumn too... *grin*

I notice something odd here: I seem to have quite a few plans to be socially active (compared to my normal hermity self).
I've even offered to go with my mom when she goes to her lodge next time (in early August, I presume) as she needs some professional help. In other words: It's handy to have a weaver in family.
She bought loom (so she can weave carpets for her house) and she needs someone to teach her how to 'create warp' and how to 'build' the whole thing to phase where you just can weave - and of course she needs some tutoring in weaving too. (And there happens to be at least some parts of old loom in one of the storage rooms I need to figure out is there anything missing or is she proud owner of two looms.)
Anyway, it'll also mean that I'll see my relatives more or less (my aunt (my mom's sister) happens to live across the road), and I'll spend few days in same residence with my mother (not that we wouldn't like each others, but we both need quite much personal space).

So, what has happened to me? Am I getting extrovertish? (Maybe it's just temporary lunacy.)

Alter Echo

Now, after swimming back home (or residency, anyway) from Tesco (it rained (to give you the picture: ~5cm in 30 minutes), rains still), and having nice warm shower (I've become shower addicted during this trip) I'd like to think aloud a bit. About my SIL.

I don't know how 'safe' it is to whine about relatives nowadays as I know they know where my blog is, though I also happen to know that their English skills aren't very good (exluding bits_2_whole and for some reason there's never anything worth ranting in her behaviour), so... Anyway, something has been bugging me for a while, but for some reason yesterday broke the camel's back.

#anonymous IRC channel@ 11 pm GMT+7 (7 pm in GMT+3) (Nicks changed to protect the ign... innocent)

[23:14] SIL: Is sun shining?
[23:14] snowprincipessa: No, it isn't...
[23:15] SIL: so, it begun to rain?
[23:15] bits_2_whole: it's night in there.
[23:15] snowprincipessa: Exactly.

1. My SIL is a person who seems to think that
   1. Sun shines always in warm countries
   2. It's also almost impossible to have bad weather of any kind in warm countries (I still remember her surprise when she realised that it can actually snow in Spain...), though it happens once in a blue moon.
2. It seems that she hasn't got the idea of time zones.
3. Apparently she has slept every geography lesson where equator has been mentioned. Shouldn't it be common knowledge, for someone who has spent 9 years in basic education, that when going closer to equator night comes earlier? You think it'd be clear... (I wonder does she also think that nightless night is common phenomenon all over the world...)

Really, lack of knowledge is easily cured, but ignorance, unwillingness to broaden your views and knowledge base... It seems to be chronic in those individuals who suffer from it.

Someone could say that her views are what they are because she has never been abroad. I can understand that. She has no connections to world outside Finland, she has never seen world outside Finland...and in comparison I've been travelling, not much, but more than you'd think of someone who comes from my social class, and I've seen that humans are basically the same everywhere. I also have connections to world outside Finnish borders (actually I've more connections outside the borders than inside...).
And honestly, you don't need to even go abroad to realise that no matter where you come from you're just regular Jane/ John Doe. Even there aren't that many foreigners in Finland (worth laughing: 2% of whole population) you can meet people of non-Finnish origin daily - though they (my brother's family) do live in Peasantville...

You could think that in modern times when you have tools to look out for information there wouldn't be any ignorance... Well, at least I can say I have a dream even I know I'll never see that one fulfilled.

( Read more... )

Happy birthday to me.

I've to admit that it has been heart warming to receive whole bunch of birthday wishes (Thank you all. They mean very much ^^). First ones (actually Angela was the first one few days back) I got from Wolfie, just when day changed from 2nd to 3rd. And what surprises me is that my father remembered my birthday, it hasn't happened in years - ~14 years if I'm not mistaken. (As usually he remembers it only because I remind of him.)
Talked about this with Wolfie and he had an interesting theory: people learn to appreciate those things they're afraid to lose when they're in danger to lose them.

According to my mother it rained when I was born... it was supposed to rain today, but it didn't, and minutes before dusk it looked like this:

( Landscape )

And as I'm fond of memories... how was my life year ago? Hmm, even situation is what it is I'd like to say that my life has gotten, if not better, more balanced at least.

Then to this day. As we know my plan was to go to PINN's... Failed. Why?
Because they don't have store in former WTC anymore!
But fear not! I went to bookstore to sooth my nerves and guess what I found? Ten points, cross stitch patterns! So, I spent ~2000 BHTs (equals 41 € or $52.5) on S.E.X.. *ahem* But they're that kind I can't get from anywhere else, so I had to.
And you know, those 'magazines' and booklets contain unbelievably many HUGE projects so I just purchased opportunity to have something to do for next five years.

For example this project doesn't look that big when you look at the finished item, but as you see, the design takes two huge pieces of paper to fit in (that pink thing is A4 sized magazine for a comparison):

( My haul )

As a curiosity I also seem to have few designs of king of Thailand. Which leads as nicely to... In addition being my birthday today is Monday, which is Yellow Day in Thailand.
Yellow is king's colour and as he was born in Monday... This is how streets look like (not everyone wears yellow in Mondays, but you can see surprisingly much of it in this spesific day) in Mondays (picture in question is from soi which goes behind this building)

( Yellowness )

Official quote of the day

"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."

Latest addition to family

Actually Wolfie gave (he's a sweetheart) this to me few days ago: my new baby, external ~11GB hard disk. ^^

( Turquoise cuteness )

Btw

1. Exploding feeling is gone. I just needed time alone, and concentrate on what's important... In other words: stitch Alter Echo.
2. New fruit in my list:

   ( Cuteness )

   Wolfie brought some jackfruit when he came back from work today.
   It smells and tastes like wine gums. ^^ Though it's too sweet to be consumed in bigger amounts. But what's important is that I haven't had any allergic reactions here from things I've never tasted before this trip. (I've had two reactions: one from popcorn in movie theatre and other in Japanese restaurant for reason X.)

And now... maybe some coffee, maybe a DVD on a player and off I stitch. Is there better way to celebrate your 27th?

National Pride

1. Do you do anything special to celebrate your national holiday?
   Personally no, usually I don't. Our independence day is in middle of winter (6th of December) and it's not very cheerful celebration.
   Mostly it seems to be concentrated always on same thing: WWII and veterans who are still alive. Quite somber holiday in my opinion.

2. Would you go to war to fight for your country?
   No. I'm pacifist.

3. What's your ethnic background?
   Matters?
   And it depends on how you define it. Seemingly Finnish; European, 'white'. According to my surname Middle Eastern or Asian.

4. Which iconic figure do you think best represents your country?
   Ok, I read ironic... Hmmm, bear, our national animal AFAIK.

5. If I was visiting your hometown, what place or activity would you recommend to me?
   Geez, that's difficult. I'd recommend Suomenlinna in summer. Problem is that it's in Helsinki and not in city where I live. But it's almost the same anyway... In winter... I don't know. Really.

I've said it before, but now I'm quite sure of it: my ADD symptoms have gotten more visible after living alone for two years. Actually they're getting more into AS direction...

Maybe it's just my inner quirkyalone, but I really miss solitude. I'd have never believed it some time ago, but I do.

And while I was hanging my laundry today I realised that being in Bangkok, this crowded city without silence enhances my homebodiness. Then... I've company at 'home'.
Even I've quite some time on my own it's not enough. At least it feels like it, though I realise this situation may affect to it in certain extent.

This just raises a question of how and what when I really am in situation where I want to share same space with someone, and that someone wants to share it with me, out of love. (Will there ever be such a situation when I grow more and more fond of my solitude?)
Is love enough? How I manage to get my solitude? Can I compromise over it without losing my sanity? And most important question: will it be accepted? (I know it's not love if one doesn't accept it or isn't willing to accept it... Which makes it even more complicated.)

During my lifetime I've heard more than once that I should be more social. But why I should? I'm not good with people, I hurt those I care of, and social situations drain my energy. That's why I chose to become a hermit.
And to make it even more difficult to understand: I'm social, I like to spend time with people. Those few who are worth it, those few who don't drain me completely. Those few who have something to give.
I just don't see the idea behind being social because it's how it's supposed to be.

I feel like exploding. I need my solitude. I need my peaceful, boring life.

Nothing much to check for, but goals for June were:

1. One medal from Stitching World Cup with Alter Echo (though AE will be part of July goals also).
2. Stitch Recipe Exchange item.
3. Fulfill my non-stitching goals.

   And in case I've time/ inspiration

4. Jaffa from Silhouettes
5. The Greatest Treasure

1. Not even close.
2. Almost there.
3. Did all of those. *grin*
4. Not even with me.
5. Not even with me.

1. Getting a year older (this one is easy).
2. Finish and send Recipe Exchange item in time.
3. Get back home in one piece. *grin*

I think I'm getting old and mushy, but this did bring tears into my eyes - and smile on my face. And someone dares to say that online friends aren't as good as real ones?
Anyway, I think I just realised why I prefer to turn comments off from post like my previous one was. Too much emotion for my little head to cope with.

Actually I'm wondering one thing... how in Earth I can take this sort of things that easily?
Ok, I am a realist, but I'm also a dreamer and I'm not very well connected to reality even in the best of times, and I hate changes in my life... Maybe that's why? Everything is a dream for me, and as dreams are just dreams..?

Sometimes I wonder am I really as sane as I claim myself to be.

Though, I know that I've very loose associations which may be sign of having a personality disorder or just sign of ADD or AS - in other words, being a bit autistic.

But why?

Maybe it's just teflon coating which I've developed during years, maybe it really is all about being realistic and seeing the light in the end of the tunnel even it seems to be so far away sometimes.

Human heart is surprising thing, and it never ceases to amaze me.

... one breath of his hair, one kiss from his mouth, one touch of his hand, than eternity without one. One.

Sometimes...

You dare to dream, and you crash into some twist of Universe.

We did.

Yes, we jumped and we crashed. Wolfie and I.

It just didn't work. After glorious start it just went... not stale, or bad... it just wasn't meant to be, it seems.
At this moment we just hope we won't learn to hate each others during these two weeks, as that's not what we want. We both remember why we fell in love with each others, how we lost our hearts so madly, so fast... And because we remember why, we don't want to end up hating each others.

You know, he is a wonderful person. And I want to keep that wonderful person around, to know that he exists.

And even I can't deny that my heart aches, for some reason it's not that difficult to let go. Let the love change it's way.
To be honest, knowing myself it has been surprisingly easy to accept the facts. Though I think that one reason for easiness of acceptance is that I know he wanted it to work as much as I did, and I know he's disappointed. We both are, but what can we do about it?

Sad? Yes, I am. Of course. But for some reason I'm also happy.Happy for the opportunity, that we took the leap of faith.
It'd have been much harder not to take the risk, and live with what ifs for the rest of our lives. At least for me it'd had been.

Sometimes the beautiful stories just aren't made to last. Sometimes beautiful stories have unhappy endings.
But what matters in beautiful stories with unhappy endings is that, in all their grimness, they give you hope. And human soul can't live without hope.

What can I say? I'm happy for the time it lasted. So... Thank you Wolf, for everything you are and for everything we had, even for that short period of time. You made the difference.

Amen to this - and this.

And no PINN yesterday, for two reasons

1. SII transferred those euros to welfare even they were supposed to only take June allowances back... I've to consult that 'verdict' when I get back home
2. As I thought, migraine. No headache before night though, but I was so dizzy... (read: laid on sofa whole day)

Oh mi gosh, actually. I'm soon 27. I'm getting age crisis.

Yes, it's not that old, but... 27?! I'm almost thirty! I think I hear myself getting wrinkly. (I'm already cranky, and granniness won't happen in next few decades, it seems.)

And I really don't know what to do today. I've planned the temple tour for next week (I need to figure out how I get to there).
Maybe I should get to Tesco, buy that water and yoghurt we don't have (and some decaf instant coffee (oh yes, I drink decaf nowadays (wonderful way to drink coffee in the evening and still be able to sleep)). Instant just because cafetière's jug got broken for some reason and there's no replacement yet), and see about it then? (As it's very much possible that my head is not completely back in order yet...)