My doctor called me, and according to blood tests... I have no allergies! Ok then... why I almost choke if I'm in vicinity of corn, or eat sesame seeds etc.? Nevertheless I'll get a missive to our local allergy hospital and they'll apparently check me again - and take that latex allergy test.

And... be prepared to be shocked... She asked me to arrange another appointment so we could get enough material to make a missive for... AD/HD tests!

I don't know where the change came from, but I like it! (She had talked with senior physician, and got some info of my history, so apparently... apparently they have slight doubt that there might be something. Groovy!)

Maybe it's September as a month (I had sleeping problems last year in September), maybe it's about hormones (shouldn't be at this phase of my cycle), maybe it's stress, maybe it's something else... but I've realised that cross stitching is a wonder drug when you suffer from insomnia. One length of nicely coloured floss stitched on nicely coloured fabric and voilá we have a good night sleep.

And btw, my doctor is an idiot and in her opinion if I want the diagnose I should go to the private sector... well, if it what I've to do I'll go and get the missive from private sector, but I'll also file a complaint about her. She has no expertise and therefore she can't decide who'll get the missive and who won't.
But on the brighter note, she ordered basic allergy tests to be taken and I'll get the results 10th of October, after which I get the missive to latex allergy test. (Which I surely have (latex allergy, not the test *grin*), I almost suffocated during my brief visit..).

I think I need to sooth my nerves a bit by stitching...

After seven years of doubts and self-research I finally took the first step to get professional opinion about my brains (and have (finally) those allergy tests) by engaging doctor's appointment to get those missives (epistles, what-evers) I need. After that it may be a year in queue before I get to meet neuropsychologist... but that is how it is in public healthcare. At least it's cheap (22€/ visit).

Taking this test was the final stem which broke camel's back... average score in control group is 16.4, mine was 38 and 50 is highest you could possibly get, which equals that I am closer to nonfunctional AS than functional non-AS.
Yes, they have that disclaimer there, but as I've been quite sure about my autistic traits for quite a while I'm sure I'm in that 80%. And I can compare myself to certain AS I used to be married to, and in some issues I'm far more AS than he'll ever be.
Actually few of those questions helped me to understand my behaviour, for example my issues with phones... I don't find using them comfortable for several reasons (one of them being fact that I've problems with my concentration and I may get carried away while listening..).

That diagnose wouldn't cure me, as there's no wonder drugs for this sort, but it'd make it easier to be who I am. It'd give me the trust that I really aren't lazy or stupid, but my brains just work differently. And I'd prove it.

For some reason Silkweaver's shopping system has heard about my promise to ditch them for time being... as I can't place and order. It just never seems to get into Thank for your order page - and I'd so want some natural linen stitch bands from them...

*few seconds pass*

Power of complaining! Hallelujah, thank you G-d! Baruch Hashem! (And other suitable sentences...)
It went trough after I ranted a bit.
So, lovelies flying over Atlantic soon (though I could use one lovely, which you can't get from SW)!

Yes, broke my promise to myself about not ordering anything from SW, but as it's not only decision I have 'broke' (I'd prefer to use term decided to change because of a good reason) lately no one notices. And I couldn't resist those stitch bands... and red Belfast linen (and red Jubilee).
I can stop this any day... shopping.

From computers to biology

Laptop is finally at home! Dan has left the building, unlike it was supposed to be, he decided to be with his better half (they're quite cute couple, btw). But I'm not actually complaining. My menses are coming and I am so sore... I can't concentrate on being my nice self. I just seem to want to be complaining bit... erm, person few days (and I dislike pain you can't kill with painkillers... ouch)
In fact it seems to me that my inattentivity increases in this phase of my cycle, not to mention those other autistic traits (ADD and AS are both syndromes from autistic scale) I carry around. And lately it has meant that I'm even more autistic than I'm usually, or at least more often, just because my cycle is normalized.

NFH

Yes, it's arrived to U.S.A.. My Spring Needleroll, and it was loved (*evil laughter*) so therefore I guide you to this post.

And now, it's bed time for old cranky androgynes.

Ok, it's Tuesday in this part of the world and I was just going to bed... Anyway, it's time for

Monday Madness

Questions :

1. I consider myself to be very organized.
2. I tend to get more done when I'm pressed for time.
3. Multi-tasking is something I do often.
4. I might be a perfectionist.
5. I enjoy Mondays as much as I enjoy Fridays.
6. If I didn't make a list (or hang a post-it note) I'd forget what it is I need to do.
7. I have no problem asking for help when I don't understand something.

1. False. It'd big, stinking lie if I'd say anything else.
2. Mostly true. Depends.
3. True.
4. True and false. It's not may be, it's I am.
5. True. Day is a day is a day.
6. True and false. As I don't keep lists I forget most things I should do in certain time, or before certain deadline.
7. True.

Note from editor: as I'm a person who possibly has ADD (adult AD/HD) these responses weren't surprising.

Oh, it was a lovely little craft store! Then I found lovely little book sale!

And now I should put that smoking piece of plastic into freezer for about 26 days, and concentrate on biting my nails rest of the month. (How so it seems that I'm ADD/ AS/ [insert suitable neuro(psycho)logical disorder here]? I do know how to use money... Mental note: call for a doctor's appointment tomorrow - my head is really bothering me. I want that diagnose!)

I've to parcels to send still, and I will send them, da**it. It's only my fault that I spent those euros to that bookstore - craft store spending was planned, and so was 1/3 of my book store shopping (magazine for Angela), but rest of it... Ok, I did buy one cross stitch book I'be been "drooling" after few months and as it was -60%... Anyway, excuses.
And it's not being totally broke. I do have money, but I could use more of it. But anyway, bad /me.

Btw, those books I bought:

• Donna Kooler's Great Cross Stitch Gifts
• Terry Prachett's
  • Johan riitti!, original name: Equal Rites (paperback)
  • Pienet jumalat, original name: Small Gods (hardback (note: original price 34,5€, now 5,9€. Small markets, high price.))
• The Mammoth Book of Vampires (paperback)

Haa, first BM is almost finished. I've now done all I can do before getting that filament. (Addition: LNS doesn't have it in stock, so it takes some time before they get it in stock again. I just hope it comes in time - otherwise I just have to stitch that snow without it.)

Good replacement for frenchie: Colonial knot. That is clear enough explanation even to my stupid brains.

And... I know what pattern I'll use to that spring bookmark. Ok, it has flowers in it, but... I've wanted to do it for some time - I just forgot that I've that pattern, and I've wanted to do it.

Activity levels.

I don't know why but I've been almost surprisingly industrious today. No sign of any kind of tiredness, even my brains are working almost well.
Don't know what causes it. Either it's autumn and darkness it has brought, or then it's that Hillel Tokazier's CD I've been listening half of the day.

DBF.

It wasn't long, but we had very interesting conversation once again. It's always nice to read things from between lines. It really seems that I'm some kind of winged, benevolent creature to him. (It has to do with my surname, nothing else can explain it... "--- a beautiful and benevolent supernatural being or fairy ---")

...maybe we're just angels to eachothers, and demons to everyone else?

I love that man. I really do.

I really like these moments, moments of complete boredom and pain when your brains are completely empty (for once they're not full of thoughts)... these moments give room to little things like this.
For once there was quiet enough inside of me, and this entry came from it. My love for Sonnenschein is shy and sometimes it hides in that noise of my thoughts.

I love these silent moments. And I love Sonnenschein.

I'm happy. Now.

It's bit funny how summer and that much praised light affects to me.
Nowadays, when autumn is behind the corner, and days are getting shorter and shorter I can sleep. Ok, not exactly sleep but I get tired in "normal" time. (I went to bed before midnight and woke up at 3:30, so not very normal rhytm yet, but it's getting there.)

No wonder I love winter.

Sonneschein.

This good thing in my life is always an issue, and it seems that there's always something to say about him.
Well, I'm silly when I'm in love.

Anyway, his moving is getting closer. We don't have any exact dates yet but it's getting close. I just hate not letting myself enjoy it, not yet.
Though there are moments when I'm so overwhelmingly happy because of it that it may be better to try to keep my mind cool.

About living together

Then there's this 'letting stranger to your territory' thing. Ok, he's not a stranger, but I'm very protective when it comes to my home. (May have to do with fact that my ex mother-in-law tried to get us evicted few years back...) And I'm bit worried, without meaning, that my little oddities are something to laugh at, that I'm not accepted as I am.

He has never lived alone or with someone else than his family. It includes a huge risk for me. I know that he has domestic skills but how good are they in the end? Is he able to learn allergy cooking? That list is endless, beginning from "right" places of dishes in cupboards.... No, I'm not a control freak.

I just want this and I'm afraid of that for some reason I can't get it. (Btw, I played that song quite much in January.)
Of course I want to be able to give that to Sonnenschein too, and to be honest, I'm bit afraid that I can't. Maybe I just demand too much from myself.

It would be so much easier just to get him in here asap and see how it goes. This waiting is worst part in this.

(And I just need him....)