Coming to think of it... I always say how I'm not good in getting involved because world is filled with mundane individuals who are unable to keep me interested over five minutes. But then I'm not good at staying single or uninvolved.
Since I separated I've spent only short periods without having relationship with a romantic twist. I met Abhi 7 weeks after Dan moved away, got involved with Sonnenschein about 5 minutes after Abhi left me and after it ended between me and Sol it took (only) five months to get back to business again (I kind of had promised to myself, during winter, not to get involved with anyone before autumn), with Wolfie.
And this is only after my marriage. Though before it I had similar pattern in my behaviour...

So, in this light I may be involved again before this year reaches it's end... It makes me wonder myself and that teflon coating I claim to have. As I seem to be right with it. And in a way it makes me sound so cold and calculating.
Though it may be just realism: if it doesn't work, it doesn't. End of case. Next!

And still I remember how I felt for them, I never forget the love I've felt for someone. It has always been true, deep and insane. And still I can let go surprisingly easily. What's the matter with me? Or am I really, as I say in my LJ profile, too sane?

I had an interesting experience today. Man from the past sent me an IM. He didn't knew it was my ID, as I've two Yahoo IDs (Silly thing: we met trough YIM, and it seems it haunts us forever). And as we can understand he was quite surprised when I said that I know him and called him with his first name (In fact his nickname which is just short form of his first)... anyway, we had interesting little chat.

For some reason whenever Abhi and I've talked/ typed after our break-up we've always talked of those good old days. In certain way it seems to me that if world were simple place and love were only force there is we'd never broke up. There's this magnetism between us you just can't explain.
And as things went like they went, there's no need to explain it. There's only need to go on with life and cherish those beautiful memories - works like that in every relationship I've had. I work with those bad things, get over them and let them gather dust in my mind's attic. It's not about forgetting, it's about accepting.

Anyway it was nice to hear from him, after all those months. As I don't believe in hate after failed relationship and I suffer every time when I lose someone worth knowing just because I've been in relationship with one.

(And what makes this even more interesting: I had a dream last night. I was in India during Divali and I remember watching little paper boats with lanterns in them floating in river.
Though one explanation for that dream can be that I wrote email to one Indian guy before I went to bed.)

Kierkegaard has wrote about "leap of faith", and if I remember correctly it's about "jumping into nothingness" and trusting that you wont hit the ground.
Most people can't do it. And in my opinion it's their loss, as long as they don't hurt others with what they do or do not. But they do hurt, and therefore it's a problem.
And my problem is that I'm willing to jump if I feel like it, even it may not always be very rational solution. I've jumped few times and I have never regretted. I may have hit the ground, but I can say I tried. I can say I believed, I have no need for what ifs.
And that is the problem. When I'm ready to jump, most people aren't. And later on they realize what they should have done, and they return to me. They return and regret. They ask for forgiveness, they want that I hate them. But I can't hate them. I forgive, because I can't hate.
And I forgive because I know how much my forgiveness hurts. I know how great pain it gives to see that no matter how huge pile of s*** I've got from them I don't hate them.

Being open and trusting life is usually considered as naiveness, but what if it's not?
Fact is that you do get hurted too many time because of it, but at least you don't have to regret things you haven't done or curse those chances you've wasted.

You just have to trust that life carries you.

Other "fault" of mine seems to be that I'm too honest, too straightforward. I say what I think and feel. Part of it is about having the courage to jump from that cliff - I dare to take risks (which is odd, as I'm quite a coward).
What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger.

I've heard that my main "problem" is my soft heart. Not in that sense you may think it is... it just attracts people who don't know themselves, and they hurt me while they try to figure out who they're.
I've to say that it's really nasty. It doesn't help to hear that it's not my fault. It hurts as much, maybe even more.

It's also about certain urge of some people. This odd urge to rationalise love.
You can't rationalise it, it's a feeling. You can't prove it. You just have to believe to it, and you have to believe that it carries you. And if it doesn't... it doesn't, but anyway you win as you don't have to ruin rest of your life by thinking "What if?".

... I just have to ruin my life by thinking that there are persons who we're too afraid or mentally too weak to jump.

For some reason I've recently changed tags considering certain men. And both of those tags have been changed to their nicknames. Apparently my brain wants some continuity to my tagging policies. Now "men of my life" (well, at least last three... ) are all under their nicknames (Though Dan has other nickname which I use with him...).

I've feeling that I should know why I had to do it, but I just don't know...

Anyway. Been listening bad music whole day (My playlist for today contains: Ace of Base, Aqua and Army of Lovers) and I've to say that I'm surprised. I haven't been in this good mood in days, in weeks maybe. This is so made, naive even and... still I have to say that I like this s***.

Though one reason for it may be that these are memories from my youth (if 26 year old can talk about memories of one's youth). Maybe part of me misses that naiveness... though every time when I talk with my SIL I know that I really do not want that time back. I just don't want to stuck into the past like she has done.

In fact it begun last night when I accidentally poured water over my keyboard. In the morning I realized that some symbols with Ctrl+ Alt command just don't work. Arrow keys don't work that well either... and to someone who tries to use keys to operate (instead of mouse) this is bad situation. What makes is worse is that I really don't want to spend my few euros to get a new keyboard (bus fares will take as much as new keyboard costs)...
Not to mention that square brackets don't work either and to someone who uses BB code boards as much as I do it's just plain catastrophe (In our family's BB I've no worries as it allows HTML code also).

And if that weren't enough: I woke up with my back hurting like hell. In fact it hurted so much that I felt it in my dream. It hurted so much that I cried of pain in that dream. (It was an interesting dream btw. A. was moving back to India and he wanted to meet me for the last time. We talked about interesting things... in a way it was quite odd dream - and every time when I have saw a dream about him he has contacted me, so have to see.)

But something good: my latest cycle was 52 days, but at least my body works a bit. Yes, just plain crazy: "Whippee, I'm menstruating."

Little something I've been wondering since last autumn. As in my opinion it is bit odd that I seem to had more "cultural clashes" in my relationship with Finns than I've had with A. and M. There are few possible "explanations":

1. Our upbringing has been bit different than majority of Finns.
2. I'm not "Finnish" by personality.
3. There is no such thing as cultural differences.
4. "Cultural differences" are in fact differences in
   4.1. religion (I've had more problems with Christians than I have had with Buddhist and pagan) and
   4.2. native languages (leads to different interpretations).

1. My childhood family was non-religious, pro-reading, pro-thinking and more or less equal when it came to treating according to sex (so, even I'm female I had quite free atmosphere to be non-girly (even it seems that my mom worried about my non-girliness. And it was a problem for my brother.).
   This seemed to be problem to majority. Because I wasn't just cute show-around girlfriend nor nice, silent wife-type. I had no obsession to be "feminine" nor degraded because of my sex. I never have wanted to look less intelligent than I am just because I'm female (or because it was problem to some men to have woman who's more intelligent than they were).
2. Well, it's old joke between Sonnenschein and me that our nationalities are mixed, and he should have Finnish passport and I should have Spanish. He's practical iceberg and I'm drama queen.
3. Come and burn me.
4. :
   4.1. I've dated only Christians in past and there were always clashes because of religion. I was able to accept that my partner was Christian, but they were unable to accept that I was not and that I weren't willing to become one.
   My ex wasn't fortunately Christian (ok, he was member of Evanchelic Lutheran Church, but only because he apparently weren't informed how easy it's part from a congregation according to our legislation - he signed off after we got married.), A. was Buddhist (born as Hindu) and M. is non-religious (raised in non-religious family). And there has been no religion based clashes. I can't help wondering that. (No, I've nothing against anyone's religion as long as my religious views (or lack of them) are respected.)

   4.2. Only clear difference between us (Sonnenschein and me) seems to be in our ways to use language. If M.'s native language is X and mine Y, and we both communicate with language Z which isn't native to either of us it's in a way obvious.
   Now someone could say that culture causes those differences, but is there culture without language? -> Language creates culture and therefore cultural differences are language based.

I think that was mostly all about that matter today.

Still sick. In fact it seems to get worse in certain sense. Though it's good as it means that I could get rid of this some day.
It's always better to be really sick few days than in no-man's land for weeks.

Admin issues.

As my sis mentioned my career as a forum admin started in quite disastrous way.
Fortunately we got free hosting from one nice individual and one forum user installed software on my behalf. Now we're back in business and there has been over 350 posts made (and 26 users) in first 24 hours.

To be honest, it feels great.

Dreams.

It's odd how faithful I am. I can't be close to another man even in my dreams without thinking what Sonneschein says about it. (And I know that he wouldn't say anything about that. Because he's too friggin' polite sometimes, and because he trusts my morals - at least that is what he has said.)

It felt good to be close to someone, even in a dream, as I haven't been close to anyone since I met A. for the last time. And still I felt so friggin' guilty because of it.
Oddest thing in it is that we never did anything in that dream with that guy - nor even intented.

It's seems that I'm quite a fundamentalistic monoamorist.

Issues.

He has certain problems with his parents' opinions, and it bothers me. Mostly because he's not able to speak with them in this week. Monday is some kind of estimation but...
This issue bothers him too, but still he doesn't want to talk about that with me.

I'm quite frustrated. And worried. And it bothers me that his stress affects to us. He's so stressed about that issue that he can't see other things clearly.
We have had few minor arguments because of his stress makes him blind in a way...

Have I ever said that I really wait that day when this waiting and uncertainty is over?

Other things.

Sometimes I doubt how sane I am.
I should be hosting one chatroom tomorrow evening... well, with some coffee I'll manage.

And... my home page will be offline few weeks - how will I survive without my list of freebie links?

My scent memory seems to be something interesting.

I bought some incenses today. Normal habit, it's sign of coming autumn. I seem to do this almost every year.
Anyway, I like sandalwood so I bought one packet of sandalwood incense sticks... light it up at home and...

It reminded me of A.. I didn't even remember that he smelled like sandalwood (his apartment smelled like sandalwood too) before now.

I don't miss him. It's not about that, but things came into my mind from last year.
It's almost year since I met A.. It's odd how time passes...

And still no sign of Sonnenschein in here.

Started to wonder how A. is nowadays. Haven't heard from him since May.

"Of course you take that Indian guy!

"Because he's so good looking!"