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He passed away after a short period in hospital in late August, less than two months before his 70th birthday. You could say he was your average Joe when it came to this cancer: average patient diagnosed with pancreatic cancer is 70 year old male and they live 6 months on average.
He didn't get much more than that. And even it has come obvious that he knew he was going to die rather sooner than later his subconcious mind denied it. I am quite sure that I am not lying when I say that severity of his illness was not clear to any of us, not even his partner.
I got to read his death certificate: he had several metastasis all around his body and this he knew over a month before he passed. Knowing this confirmed my earlier suspicions about his condition based on his behaviour. (Yeah, it's hard to be always right. Or something. *grin*) Human beings are odd things, but still, I know and you know why he did it.
Tiny took it better than I had expected, regardless he does miss his grandpa a lot. But the process seems to help him. One day he told me that it was nice to see grandpa's white box, in other words going to his memorial service. There's still urn burial (my father's ash will be buried in his parents' grave (which is a positive thing as said cemetery is reasonably close)), I hope it goes as well as memorial service did...
The relativity of time has struck me, it seems like forever, but it has been only four weeks.
Well, four weeks and a aday.
Things that happened before it seem like aeons ago and things that happened after it... well, have just kind of passed.
When you have learned to watch your every step, move, gesture and keep your eyes away from the person you love (because he is a controlling jerk and you haven't realised it yet) it's actually really difficult to unlearn it even if previously mentioned things are well in the past and processed. And it's like being in alternate reality to have someone you care for close willingly to you after being with a controlling jerk who considered all physical contact as something distasteful, even brutal.
I am in the brink of a cultural shock.
I have been single almost four years now and either I have become even more cynical than I used to be or people have got way weirder since I was single last time. Or maybe it's me (getting way weirder than I used to be).
Or that little funny fact that nowadays I demand more. Much more. I don't ask for looks, (look where it got me last time *grin*,) but I'm just looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders. You know, those people are insanely hard to come by. At least for an introverted single parent.
Some people could say that it's more difficult to date with a child. I don't agree. First of all at this age quite many people have kids so they should understand how the whole thing goes with kids, and then I don't think it would be too much to ask for an adult to understand the basics of how little people affect to one's life - and accept the fact that people in certain age range quite often have kids. I know I did, not 100 %, but I did - and I have never been much of a child type anyway (aside wanting my own).
And for some weird reason when Tiny was just a baby it was easier to get on the date level. Maybe it was "separated" status that was much more attractive than "divorced" - as of course life is easier with someone who is in middle of a divorce, yup. *grin*
What makes me wonder is that those people who should be adult by any standard act like teens or little kids. Those people who can't simply live with word "no" or can't wait for your reply for one day without having some kind of hissy fit. It's hilarious, but also very worrying.
Sometimes it's good to be a misanthrope.
Still, it would be nice to have someone to share one's life with. Someone who'd also give Tiny that father figure he never has had.
Life's dragging along. I am eagerly waiting for that day when it becomes normal again, without constant obstacles thrown on our way.
Tiny's tummy ache was diagnosed as food allergy (as I suspected) after few dozens of blood tests to opt out all kinds of nice things like colitis, celiac disease, amebas and other funny parasites. He is now off dairy, eggs and fish and has become more like his old self.
It turns out he may have been allergic last two years, if not his whole life... he just hasn't been able to communicate it and haven't realised that it is not normal to have nausea and tummy ache until now.
This and my father's cancer cause enough stress to make my system more unstable and it seems that my allergies (and my thyroid) may be worsening again. Yay. It would make life really interesting, though luckily Tiny is at day care so he gets diverse diet even if ours were more restricted.
But on the bright side, it's Mother's Day and we have cake!
So... Bumpy ride goes on and on.
I got SRTD from noise and spent summer with a burnout and was stupid enough to go back to school like nothing. Then I got sick and was too sick or tired to do anything 1,5 months. So, fall semester went to dogs.
We relaxed whole holiday period, it was tons of fun for both Tiny and me, and in January I started studying with goals.
Tiny got sick. Apparently he is more or less allergic to milk, fish and bell peppers. At least. And he reacts with his intestines. So, he has been at home a lot because his tummy hurts and he has reflux symptoms. Based on his blood work and check-up he is a healthy lad. At the moment we are waiting to get an appointment with allergy specialist. Until then I get to hear "mom, my tummy hurts" almost daily. And it sucks.
Then my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with several metastasis in his liver. It's unoperable as long as he has them. And life expectancy isn't great even at its best: 10 % of PC patients are alive after one year, 2-3 % after five years.
And I worry already how Tiny will take it when his grandpa dies. "Luckily" he is no stranger to death: my sister's older cat died of cancer some time ago and Tiny helped our mother to bury her. He has been asking lots of questions about dying since. And he still thinks everyone will be buried at granny's yard when they die. *grin*
So. This is how it has been. I am hoping this would be enough for next ten years or so...
Well, we got the place and have moved in almost three weeks ago.
At least compared to previous apartment. There are some "structural noises", but at least now we can't hear talking (or yelling) and occasional walking sounds are tolerable.
96 square meters (~1033ft²). 22 more than in our old place, same amount of rooms (HUGE kitchen). 1950s apartment block with a fireplace and nice balcony. Next to the woods.
And I don't know what to do with all the space!
Actually I have a problem with my craft stuff, but I think eventually I will figure something out.
Of course it's bit more expensive to live here, but oh my, I
Life has gotten on the way. Getting used to studying is harder than I thought and less surprisingly I have also been sick quite a lot (Tiny's in daycare so he brings all kinds of fun things home - luckily he hasn't been sick that much) so I have huge timing issues at the moment.
And our downstairs neighbours have become huge PITAs. Which is not good in any level.
Six months after we moved here I have reached high enough level of insanity and we are looking for a new place to live.
Tiny is afraid of the noise and has also woken up to it - luckily not as often as I have.
First I tried to be nice and notified them that they are making too much noise. Few times of that and they refused to open the door. I contacted our landlord, twice, with disturbance reports and they contacted our neighbours to no avail. And when Tiny said that he is scared of the monster (once again downstairs was having a ball) I got fed up: since then it has been security and written complaints.
But as the sound only comes to our apartment they won't be evicted... or let's say it's not that likely.
Fun times. Now I am just hoping and praying that we would get a new place quickly.
We went to see one apartment (technically two) yesterday, let's see what they say as I know we weren't the only ones who were interested. (Though they basically have two similar apartments free, so.... let's cross all possible body parts, shall we?)
I have learned something about CJC: better to have smaller designs on your list *grin*, therefore next year's list is mix of WIPs(/ UFOs) and new projects.
- WIP: Neil Degrasse Tyson (worked from pixel art I found from his FB fan group).
- WIP: Mirabilia's "Madonna of the Garden".
- WIP: Brightneedle's "Ezmeralda's House".
- WIP: PINN's "Loy Krathong".
- WIP: Brown House Studio's "Internet in Heaven".
- WIP: Blue Ribbon Designs' "With All Your Heart".
- WIP: The Prairie Schooler's "Must Be Santa".
- WIP: San- Man Originals' "Snow Ice Cream".
- WIP: Vervaco's "Lightning McQueen".
- WIP: My Big Toe Designs' "For This Child".
- WIP: My Big Toe Designs' "This Too Shall Pass".
- NEW: Anchor Maia "Usiku", using 28 count navy linen.
- NEW: Plum Street Sampler's "Coffin Buzz".
- NEW: La Comtesse "Dreaming is Free".
- NEW: Ink Circles' "Holiday Magick".
And There I Was, Dancing...
- Design: Holiday Magick
- Designer: Tracy Horner of Ink Circles.
- Fabric: random 28 count "raw" linen
- Floss: "School House Red" from GAST.
- Other notions: Stitched over one.
Beautiful, furry stand is our Vilma. (She looks eerily like Seiichi, I know.)
Well, let's say it is not as I did not reach any of the goals I set for this year, BUT I did have two finishes and I have stitched a bit on most months. (And as a special bonus we did move and I did apply to Uni. That took 2½ months out of my time.)
Could have been better, could have been worse.
So, goals for 2015... I think I will settle with one:
When it comes to projects I try to work on my WIPs/ UFOs, but if I feel like it I am allowed to start new ones. You know, just for mojo lifting purposes. *grin*
Let's list Projects That Scream i.e. 2- Do:
I probably should add this list to my sidebar for easy reference....
And oh, I should photoshoot my WIP pile(s) before January, which also means counting them! Eeeek!
OhMiGerd, my second (2nd) finish for this year! I am on the roll!
- Design: Christmas Wishlist
- Designer: La Comtesse
- Fabric: 32 count "Tobacco" Belfast linen
- Floss: "Bush Christmas" from Dinky Dyes
- Other notions: complimentary design. Stitched over one.
I am rather pleased with my somewhat forced choice of colours.
And, despite the lack of absolute symmetry in alphabets (which seemed to be the most difficult thing for me in this), there are few other La Comtesse's designs on my 2-do list.
I decided to take part to a blogging challenge given at local cross stitching Facebook group, albeit I stretch the challenge a bit.
Instead of blogging every day and sharing season themed stitchings I try to blog regularly during December - if nothing else my progress of two stitches on the project that is screaming the loudest. *grin*
I have to confess that I started a new project couple of days ago as we are having a mini SAL at previously mentioned cross stitch group.
Mini as the project is not that big or time consuming: Christmas Wishlist by La Comtesse.
I chose a bit less seasonal colours: 32 count "Tobacco" Belfast linen (as it was at hand) and Dinky Dyes' "Bush Christmas" silk.
Let's see if I can get enough done today to show off... as I am not good at stitching when I am overly stressed.
I am worrying about my letter of reference as it has been mailed to me on Friday (or Monday, if they have been slow) and I should provide that and my diploma to application services by the end of 9th of December... I know, I still have almost a week left, but if it has been lost in the mail for some reason I need to call my boss by Thursday to get the new one sent to me asap (and preferably get them scan it and email it to me first).
It's funny how your mind processes things. Little by little, and then continues chewing the same thing later until it's small enough to digest without problems.
While packing I have had few moments of "What the heck was I thinking?!" regarding past with mr. W., but it has also proved that I have come far in last two years.
Now I just find things tragicomic rather than sad or depressing. Even the fact that mr. W. was and is full of c*ap.
But still, out of all that was bad came out the best thing in my life: Tiny.
Maybe it's karmic in its way that out of huge pile of smelly stuff comes out so much joy.
And truth to be told I am convinced that mr. W. gets his share of Big Bad Karma sooner or later. If he hasn't already been hit with it. (If I have understood correctly it may be the case, may have been even before I kicked him out. (See, he was big fan of telling things to me... not. I just tend to read between the lines.))
It has been 25 months and in 18 days we leave this halfway home (I have considered this flat a halfway home for a long time, we needed to move here to give me distance and time to figure out who I am and what I want). It's scary, but changes always are.
If things go as planned 2015 will be so very different. In a good way.
It turns out that we don't need to live without certain stuff for two months
as we were offered a place in late August... starting from October 1st.
I have accepted it (after having it inspected by my mom) and next week we'll be traveling to sign the lease (thank G-d for "Local Greyhound" selling 5 euro tickets to their less popular buses). And before it there's still heaps of stuff to do regarding the move, in addition of some packing, packing and more packing.
I am thanking myself for packing most books, DVDs, CDs and craft stash before summer. Less to pack is always less when you got have everything settled before the move. And this time it's mandatory as I am using a company to do it, for the first time ever, as I rather have someone else carry all those heavy things like my 100 kilo bookshelves and so on.
And before you ask: 74 square meters, 2 bedrooms, 2nd floor. It's an old apartment (well, 32 years old), but looks very well maintained.
We'll be moving on second of October, which is in its way a good thing as the material for admission exam is published on 1st (I applied to study BBA) and I can use my free time to study. General unpacking can be done when Tiny's awake - and after the exam.
I have been absent again as I sought solitude, I needed to calm down.
I don't know where it started exactly, but I guess part of it was the relief of getting things settled regarding Tiny's custody and the divorce - and frustration for the bureaucracy after I tried to apply for child support from the government (as mr. X haven't and won't pay it). And other things.
I was in the verge of imploding for weeks, but after almost a month at the country I start to feel like myself again. And it also makes me more confident about my decision to move here, as soon as we get a place to call home.
It's quiet here, soothing. The sky is wide, highest building in the vicinity has only six stories.
It's beautiful and cozy in here, regardless of being "in the middle of nowhere" (there's ok public transport and health services seem to be good too, at least for children*).
I haven't even had the energy to think of stitching, let alone actually make stitches.
Admittedly I have had energy to have irresponsible S.E.X. to celebrate and to get my mojo back. And it has helped. Shopping. Now I at least think of stitching.
I have found Casa Cenina again after I realized that they ship with DHL when your order is over 35 euros. In layman's terms: they deliver it to your hand and usually within 24 hours after it has been shipped.
/me likey and this probably keeps me away from Sewandso from now on. (Which basically means I will be much better, right? Having one less ONS to spend my money at? )
But even I think of stitching it seems that my free time will be spent listing stuff on local auction site and it should all be listed (and preferably sold) before the material for the admission exam is published, around the end of September.
That is also the deadline for packing all the things we can live without for two months (I write like we had a place to live here already )... I think I am going to be busy for a while.
*Tiny got a 2nd degree burn on the back of his hand ~week ago and we have visited local health center twice because of it. Third time is on Monday.
It makes one wonder, when watching that beautiful little boy sleep, does his biofather (not a father, just biological father, if you ask from me) even understand what he lost by disowning Tiny?
Does he ever even think of that little boy he swore he won't meet before he comes of age?
Having been set free has made me think and remember a lot of things that happened when I left Mr. Ex II, the whys of doing that. I had almost forgot he disowned that precious little boy, even before I told him it's over.
And my simple mind simply can not understand and for someone who strives to understand that is a huge problem.
But then, I am the one who knows what a loving, funny and smart little boy Tiny is. And I know that sometimes Tiny smiles because I am his mother.
That's all one needs to know. Nothing more.
As it took forever to get Tiny to bed I decided to dedicate this evening for blogging (and maybe some stitching afterwards).
I got some extra money and went crazy in regard of stash... and came to a conclusion that less money I have the better. *grin*
I have received two lovely envelopes from Sewandso...
Then I simply had to save and order few things from one closing sale...
And then my regular auto ships (and irregular auto ships *grin*) from Crazy Annie's.
And this is not all, but let's not get there before they arrive... yet. *smirk*