It's funny how your mind processes things. Little by little, and then continues chewing the same thing later until it's small enough to digest without problems.
While packing I have had few moments of "What the heck was I thinking?!" regarding past with mr. W., but it has also proved that I have come far in last two years.
Now I just find things tragicomic rather than sad or depressing. Even the fact that mr. W. was and is full of c*ap.
But still, out of all that was bad came out the best thing in my life: Tiny.
Maybe it's karmic in its way that out of huge pile of smelly stuff comes out so much joy.
And truth to be told I am convinced that mr. W. gets his share of Big Bad Karma sooner or later. If he hasn't already been hit with it. (If I have understood correctly it may be the case, may have been even before I kicked him out. (See, he was big fan of telling things to me... not. I just tend to read between the lines.))
It has been 25 months and in 18 days we leave this halfway home (I have considered this flat a halfway home for a long time, we needed to move here to give me distance and time to figure out who I am and what I want). It's scary, but changes always are.
If things go as planned 2015 will be so very different. In a good way.
It turns out that we don't need to live without certain stuff for two months
as we were offered a place in late August... starting from October 1st.
I have accepted it (after having it inspected by my mom) and next week we'll be traveling to sign the lease (thank G-d for "Local Greyhound" selling 5 euro tickets to their less popular buses). And before it there's still heaps of stuff to do regarding the move, in addition of some packing, packing and more packing.
I am thanking myself for packing most books, DVDs, CDs and craft stash before summer. Less to pack is always less when you got have everything settled before the move. And this time it's mandatory as I am using a company to do it, for the first time ever, as I rather have someone else carry all those heavy things like my 100 kilo bookshelves and so on.
And before you ask: 74 square meters, 2 bedrooms, 2nd floor. It's an old apartment (well, 32 years old), but looks very well maintained.
We'll be moving on second of October, which is in its way a good thing as the material for admission exam is published on 1st (I applied to study BBA) and I can use my free time to study. General unpacking can be done when Tiny's awake - and after the exam.
I have been absent again as I sought solitude, I needed to calm down.
I don't know where it started exactly, but I guess part of it was the relief of getting things settled regarding Tiny's custody and the divorce - and frustration for the bureaucracy after I tried to apply for child support from the government (as mr. X haven't and won't pay it). And other things.
I was in the verge of imploding for weeks, but after almost a month at the country I start to feel like myself again. And it also makes me more confident about my decision to move here, as soon as we get a place to call home.
It's quiet here, soothing. The sky is wide, highest building in the vicinity has only six stories.
It's beautiful and cozy in here, regardless of being "in the middle of nowhere" (there's ok public transport and health services seem to be good too, at least for children*).
I haven't even had the energy to think of stitching, let alone actually make stitches.
Admittedly I have had energy to have irresponsible S.E.X. to celebrate and to get my mojo back. And it has helped. Shopping. Now I at least think of stitching.
I have found Casa Cenina again after I realized that they ship with DHL when your order is over 35 euros. In layman's terms: they deliver it to your hand and usually within 24 hours after it has been shipped.
/me likey and this probably keeps me away from Sewandso from now on. (Which basically means I will be much better, right? Having one less ONS to spend my money at? )
But even I think of stitching it seems that my free time will be spent listing stuff on local auction site and it should all be listed (and preferably sold) before the material for the admission exam is published, around the end of September.
That is also the deadline for packing all the things we can live without for two months (I write like we had a place to live here already )... I think I am going to be busy for a while.
*Tiny got a 2nd degree burn on the back of his hand ~week ago and we have visited local health center twice because of it. Third time is on Monday.
It makes one wonder, when watching that beautiful little boy sleep, does his biofather (not a father, just biological father, if you ask from me) even understand what he lost by disowning Tiny?
Does he ever even think of that little boy he swore he won't meet before he comes of age?
Having been set free has made me think and remember a lot of things that happened when I left Mr. Ex II, the whys of doing that. I had almost forgot he disowned that precious little boy, even before I told him it's over.
And my simple mind simply can not understand and for someone who strives to understand that is a huge problem.
But then, I am the one who knows what a loving, funny and smart little boy Tiny is. And I know that sometimes Tiny smiles because I am his mother.
That's all one needs to know. Nothing more.
As it took forever to get Tiny to bed I decided to dedicate this evening for blogging (and maybe some stitching afterwards).
I got some extra money and went crazy in regard of stash... and came to a conclusion that less money I have the better. *grin*
I have received two lovely envelopes from Sewandso...
Then I simply had to save and order few things from one closing sale...
And then my regular auto ships (and irregular auto ships *grin*) from Crazy Annie's.
And this is not all, but let's not get there before they arrive... yet. *smirk*
I did stitch. On the last day of April... but I did stitch and that is what matters when it comes to my goals. I also managed to update my cross stitch pattern inventory as I happily packed them for future mischief.
I have to say that it was wonderful to fondle all the pretty stash.
There is over 600 patterns... and I still have to inventory books, kits, WIPs and misplaced patterns (which I know I have). *grin* If I'd make a full inventory I think I'd be closer to full value of 10 000 euros (cross stitch stash only). Quite a shocking thought, don't you think? *grin*
But, I put some stitches to my MIP (Most Important Project): Tiny's Lightning McQueen.
Its getting to a phase where it's starting to look like what it should and it makes it nicer to work with.
My goal postings seem to be rather erratic, but better occasionally than never, right?
I didn't set any goals for the month of March, but I have stitched. not every day, but when I have had energy.
And the project of choice has not been a current WIP, but a Vervaco kit my mother bought from Tallinn per my request.
It came with aida so I dug a piece of light blue evenweave from my stash and am planning to buy a piece of Cars fabric to finish it as a pillow for Tiny.
Knowing how he is he'll go everywhere with it when it is done and pillow is a good item for carrying around. (And he gets a sofa of his own in his room as we get a new old sofa (and I thought the old old sofa would be good in Tiny's room) so he needs some pillows, right? *grin*)
Thanks to Tiny's rather erratic craving for bananas we have had quite a few overripe bananas in our house lately and I have been baking like there's no tomorrow (and my waistline has appreciated that greatly).
Today I googled banana cookies
as it sounded like a fun idea and came upon this
They came out as little cakes, but are yummy!
I replaced 1/4 of flour with coconut flour (which I love), added ½ tsp of cardamom (which I love) and replaced suggested nuts with sunflower seeds.
I am afraid that there may not be any left when my mom comes on Thursday even I thought it would be nice to have something sweet with coffee...
At the moment I am in a limbo regarding my, our life. The divorce (incl. custody etc.) is still in progress, thanks to slowness of our Ministry of Foreign Affairs: it took nine months from them to find out ("find out") that Spanish legislation prevents getting any real information about Ex's whereabouts without court order - but regardless they have an address. Ages old address, but it's none of my business.
It probably is my problem as the letter local court sent in the end of January may be hanging in there quite a while, even though I assume the court assumes that if there is no reply within few months he is not interested/ didn't get the letter (-> is not interested).
So, with luck I'd get out of limbo this summer.
The problem lays in us, Ex and me, having shared custody in the eyes of the law, thanks to having a child in wedlock. And basically he has his word to say regarding Tiny's whereabouts.
And I am planning to move cities this year. And in theory he could oppose it if things don't go as wanted or if we are still waiting for the verdict.
But, our constitution provides every person freedom to decide where they live, and constitution has priority over family laws.
And then there's the fact that Ex has never met Tiny nor has shown any actual interest to do so (not to mention he has never even wished him happy birthday or asked how Tiny's doing). So, my, our, city of residence bears no significance to him.
But still he can make things difficult to us just out of spite if he wishes to do so.
Anyway... in August I will apply to University of Applied Sciences, a new job and an apartment in the same city where my mom lives. Uni would be 15 kilometers from us, but granny, Tiny's most favourite person on this Earth, would be only 3 kilometers from us (or closer, if I decide to apply for an apartment from that side of the river). Which would ease our lives greatly.
One of my great worries has been that time when Tiny goes to school and I start full-time work again. He will be seven years old, has short-ish school days and in worst case scenario he has to spend a lot of time alone. And I don't want that.
This is where having granny close by makes all the difference: she can pick him up from school and look after him before I get home.
Cost of living is also a factor. I have done some research and we would pay considerably smaller rent - and real estate is far cheaper in there than it is here in Metropolitan area.
In here I could never even dream to own my home, even less to own a house whereas in there I could actually buy a house and pay it in reasonably short period of time (in comparison to house loans in here). Which is more or less necessary as my pension won't be too good and having low cost of living would help.
I sound so middle aged. *grin*
As usual things tend to go awry when they are going well.
First I had nasty URI for over four weeks (and chances are that I got a sinusitis from it), then I shattered the screen of my phone (insurance covered 56 euros, initial bill roughly 202 euros...) and one of my teeth started acting up (its first root canal treatment visit is on Friday, oh joy!). And stress is not good for my mojo, or blogging. Or me.
But, I have been stitching a bit lately. My mom brought a Lightning McQueen cross stitch kit from Tallinn and I just had to start it, even Tiny knows nothing about it, and it is slowly beginning to look like a car (no pics as for now as I dislike my old sucky Nokia with passion).
I'll probably finish it as a small pillow or somesuch so Tiny can carry it around and adore it.
And on good news:
Mr. Tiny, also known as my little bundle of joy and/ or frustration (he is in *that* age, see), turned 2! Despite being born last week he did turn two... I guess he goes school in next month or so. *grin* (He'll start school 2019... but goes to kindergarten within a year. o.O)
So, here I am. Alive and more or less well. Just tired and stressed and so on. *grin*
I was a bad, BAD person and started "Cirque Des Coeurs
" and I must say that I love
Even one might no believe it, but it's a multidimensional design which changes its message as you stitch it. And I am happy that I also have the triangle version and use affordable, easily accessible floss as I have had an insane thought to stitch all of them over undefined period and make them a matching set.
When I retire, or so. *grin*
The colours are way off, thanks to taking pictures nighttime under artificial light.
I am using Anchor's variegated cotton for this and it looks just fabulous, but, for understandable reasons it's impossible to take pictures during the day....
But, insane plans aside, I have also stitched some CJC pieces!
"Christmas Sampler" has got quite much attention and looking at it now makes me want to stitch it again, it looks so beautiful!
I have also stitched fair bit of "This Too Shall Pass" which is one of 2013 crazies.
The colours look very mismatched in all the pictures despite looking lovely in real life. I have Avocado and Cherry Wine on (I think) Amsterdam Blue linen.
"For This Child" has also grown bigger!
Even the silk is absolutely beautiful its colour changes are so frequent that stitching with it is slow and taxing if you want to have something that even remotely resembles logic in those colour slides.
Part of my Living Cheap
program is trying to use everything in the fridge/ pantry without having to throw stuff away because it has gotten bad... I realized the other day I have overripe kiwi fruits in fruit bowl and wondered what to do with them (as I don't eat them as is because I am slightly allergic).
I googled "kiwi cake" (I know kiwi is a bird! *grin* In here the fruit just happens to be called just kiwi - as is the bird, slightly confusing sometimes) and found a recipe for this kiwi cake.
Perfect recipe actually as I thought I didn't have any margarine for baking.
I was wrong, so I ended using it, replaced brown sugar with 2/3 regular sugar and 1/3 molasses (altogether 2/3 of sugar in the recipe) then added some ages old frozen slices of apple in the kiwi fruit jam and processed it to somewhat coarse mix and I also added pinch of ginger into it.
This recipe produces dense, but yummy cake, which goes down a bit too well.... *ahem*
I think that next time I'll mix baking soda to flour, mix the sugar with eggs, maybe just process the fruit with blender.... some cinnamon and cardamom would go well with this too, I think.
Try it, your hips will regret it! *grin* And now I'm going to get some tea and cake as Tiny's napping....
I had my last two starts at 20th due having been sick, falling asleep with Tiny and so forth, but I have now officially started those fifteen! And have also stitched old projects (few stitches on "For This Child...
", but progress nevertheless)!
Yet another LHN, this time "Plums". That brown is odd, it looks very variegated on skein, but when stitched (one stitch at a time as I always do with other than regular floss) it doesn't.
I found my DMC box (and one box of hand-dyeds *ahem*) which meant starting with Dragon Dreams' designs. First one is their 2013 Holiday Treat - I just lack most of the charted colours so it'll be just sitting in its bag for a while.
"Coffee Is Magic", and yet again I have only a few of charted colours. Same actually applies to all my DD projects for now.
I am planning to stitch "Evening Dragon" with reds, I just haven't had time to check the combination during those few daylight hours we have at the moment.
Started with knight.
I realized the other night that I don't have a clue where my DMC box is and therefore kitting LHN's Sheeps would have been kind of difficult... so I changed to LHN's Fruits & Berries as they came with floss packs.
And then I realized I don't have the kind of fabric I'd like to have for "St.Basil's Cathedral
".... so, that is one more LHN.
Let's see do I have to replace Dragon Dreams' designs too... maybe it will be Crazy LHN January for me. *grin*.
After finding suitable (as "big enough") piece of fabric I started my LHN marathon with "Blueberries".
Admittedly I had a helping paw when I was stitching this....
Not much progress on "Cherries" thanks to learning new things about my nut allergy (it's worse than I thought) and being comatozed by allergy medication.
Tiny's on grocery run with granny so I'll go and try to find my DMC box before they return...
and figure out why I can't seem to figure out what is the 15th project. (Oh wait...)
In order to make coming months
easier for me I have set a goal:
- in September I can buy some stash as in September I pay the last part of my biggest amortization off.
- In October I can get some more stash as then I also pay last part of other debt.
- November and December I can do what I want with the money (I need clothes by then, luckily I have hoarded used clothes in bigger sizes for Tiny so he should be ok - and I know where Salvation Army's outlet store is *grin*. And AS I start studying (I have decided that I will be accepted *grin*) I need to buy a new laptop for school so I need some money for that (I plan to get some from Santa in addition to that).)
- in January 2015 I start saving money to pay up one last debt that is screwing things... It should only take a year at its worst.
And I already know what I want...
I have drooled after PINN's "Ganesha - The Hindu God of Wisdom" since I first saw it few years back. I saw it stitched on fiery orangey and red hand-dyed fabric and I just knew I had to get it.
They have several Ganeshas and some day I may justify buying this Ganesha too.
It's frigg*** expensive, but.... PRETTY!
(Admittedly I have two auto ships (cheap ones, sans floss and fabric) and I have a deal with Jenna I am paying each month. More about NEW stash when I have started all my crazies.)
It dawned on me in last November that in order to get a job in the profession I am planning to get a degree of I need squeaky clean background. And by starting clearing it now it will be ok when I, hopefully, graduate. (I need to apply first. *grin*)
There is also that minor thing that I want to offer Tiny things I can not at our current financial status - which would remain the same as now would I return to my old job - and I have very lame dream to actually be able to save up the down payment, get a loan and find our *own* home for Tiny and me at some point.
But all this means that I have to count cents and prioritize heavily now and focus on my goal. (Now, when it is financially easier as toddlers aren't financially demanding... yet.)
/methinks that thyroxine helped me to grow some big balls. And I love it.
Even I can tell you that my bank account at this point is a really, really sad sight. But I think this is also helping me to lose weight, I'm buying less bad foodstuff and stitch and drink tea through the evening opposed to... finding sugar highs. And despite not having weighed myself since.... erm.... long time ago, it seems that my shape has changed slightly which should mean some lost grams.
It turns out that this challenge was actually the thing I needed for my mojo. I have been stitching almost every night since I started this challenge on 24th of December, 2013.
It just dawned to me yesterday that it ended a week ago.... well, I am such a perceptive person, aren't I?
But let's see what I did achieve:
- Stitched "Kisses From Heaven".
- I did stitch approximately 15% of Lizzie*Kate's Flora McSample "Heart Sampler". I might have got it done before New Year's, but then I burned my hand...
- Successfully started "Crazy January Challenge".
It may not sound much, but I still think that it's a lot for just night time stitching. *grin*
On sixth day I started Little House Needleworks' "Hope" (from the scripture series).
I changed the colour used for the flowers as "Hydrangea" was much too white to my liking and "Blooming Crocus" was closer to the preview.
Also the green has some issues, but I think that when all the other colours are stitched it pops out better. One just imagined that green floss would stand up from cobblestone linen as well as it seemed to when I checked the colours against the fabric...
And the next day I continued with LHN's scriptures and started "Comfort".
As you see lighter, muted shades of green and cobblestone have certain incompability issues, but I'm sure it'll look fabulous in the end, with all the pinks.
Today I started Erica Michaels' "A Winter Nap" and it is stitched with leftover floss on leftover piece of.... cobblestone linen. (There's a theme here...)
I am not sure about the colour I'll use for the writing, but I won't be following the chart key and use three different colours on it. Being lazy I rather just pick a nice variegated hand-dyed for it.
This will be finished as an ornament or decorative pillow as that linen is only wide enough for that - and anyway I rather finish small designs in some other way than framing.
I have a piece of quite nice poinsettia fabric that might look nice with this...
There's also the mandatory mistake in this: my moon is too fat. But you wouldn't have guessed it if I hadn't mentioned it. *grin*